


Pierce, Benjamin Franklin; Captain, 20672753

by Ryuuma



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Non-Explicit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2019-09-17 08:39:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16971366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryuuma/pseuds/Ryuuma
Summary: Hawkeye has many secrets and his two biggest were that he did not have the idyllic life he pretended he had and that he was not drafted - he chose to enlist, because it was the one place on earth where his father would not follow.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter has the song "All We Do" by Oh Wonder. While I don't usually put songs in fanfiction, I remembered this song after writing this chapter and it seemed to fit. Also, there are run-ons and bad punctuation and such in this, this is intentional because this is in Hawkeye's mind. These are his fears and his feelings and these aren't straightforward, neat little thoughts, they're tumultuous, confused, and hurt. This hopefully reflects that.

Chapter 1 :

Everything about him was faked and he hated himself for it. He hated looking people square in the eye and lying to them. But what was he supposed to do? Tell them his mom abandoned him as soon as he was born and his father was abusive? And that he was not actually following his father's footsteps (how could he have? His father never worked, just drank) and that the real reason he had become a doctor was that he hoped that the oath "do no harm" would somehow prevent the abused from becoming the abuser? That the real reason he had not shot back when Potter ordered him to was because he was worried he once he started being violent he would never stop? And how could he tell Potter that the man's naturally fatherly affections scared him more than all the bomb shells in Korea? Tell him the reason he always skirted a safe distance around him, the reason every well meant pat on the back from Potter - and only from Potter - caused his pulse to skyrocket and his fight or flight to kick in? How could he tell them that every story he had ever told them was just that - a story? Or maybe he was supposed to tell them exactly why he was claustrophobic when he still had nightmares about that one? And how was he supposed to tell this bunch of pacifists that he wasn't really drafted? That he actually volunteered to come here? And that he didn't truly want the war to end, because it ending meant going back to his father? That he preferred to watch people go get blown up by the hundreds and thousands and then having to piece them back together so they could do it all over again, that he preferred that to facing his father?

All we do is hide away  
All we do is, all we do is hide away  
All we do is chase the day  
All we do is, all we do is chase the day

No, it was much easier to lie, to tell them about the kindly, loving father who was waiting for him at home (he wrote a letter every few days and sent it to his own address just down the road from his father's - his mailbox must be stuffed by now) than to tell them about a cruel father who used him any way he could (he still had trouble following up on his sexual invitations, he mostly let everyone assume he was with someone else). Much easier to hide his true nature by pretending to be pacifist (though that wasn't too hard, signs of violence took him back to his own childhood. Under any other circumstances, he'd say he was a pacifist, but how could he be, with that man's genes and blood? They even had the same blood type). Easier to pretend he thought he was God's gift to women than to admit he had been raped (why else did he respect the nurse's boundaries so well? Never had he done anything without the woman's permission. Many told him he talked too much, but rather that than be like his father). Easier to pretend he'd had claustrophobia from birth than to admit it was a mark of trauma. And anyway, what would that say it if they did know? Would they still respect him, like they had with Father Mulcahy or would they hate him for the lies he'd told? Or, worse, would they pity him? No, this was not only easier, but safer, too.

All we do is play it safe  
All we do is live inside a cage  
All we do is play it safe  
All we do, all we do

As a doctor, he knew it wasn't healthy not to tell about it, so he'd tried to talk about it, with Trapper. Tried to tell him so many times, but he could never get quite the right words out. It was for the better anyway, it seems, since Trapper abandoned him without a word (and don't they all, eventually?). And he'd tried with Father Mulcahy, after all, the Father was bound by an oath of confession and he, personally, knew what Hawkeye had been through. But he just couldn't bring himself to tell anyone and, deep down, he wondered if he really wanted to tell someone or if he was just fooling himself.

I've been upside down  
I don't wanna be the right way round  
Can't find paradise on the ground

And now, the closest thing he'd ever had to a friend was gone, replaced by one Captain B.J. Hunnicutt. And like Radar, he, too, had lost something resembling family. An older brother, perhaps. Someone he loved dearly and had occasional moments of fatherliness. Like that time Blake had reminded him that "rule number one of war is that boys die and rule number two is that doctors cannot change rule number one". And now, he had no one to confide in. B.J. seemed nice, but he'd never be Trapper. He'd just let Trapper slip away without a word. It wasn't enough that he'd failed so many of the soldiers that passed over his table, no because of him, Blake was dead. And, it turns out, he wasn't even important enough for Trapper to bother leaving a note.

All I did was fail today  
All I wanna be is whites in waves  
All I did was fail today  
All we do, all we do


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well... I thought I posted this 4 or 5 months ago, imagine my surprise at finding out I hadn't?

Chapter 2:

Ma would have hated him. Flighty, she would have called him. There were three things a sensible woman should steer away from. The three F's, she called them. Flighty - the kind that never said or made commitments, flirty - men who flattered and talked their way to a woman's bed, they were often insincere and unfaithful, and fickle - the kind who's moods were mercurial. They were often dangerous and heavy-handed. He fit all three of those. Well, not the heavy-handed, being a pacifist and all that, but definitely mercurial.

Honestly, Radar would have hated him, too, if it weren't for his gift. See, what people didn't realize is that Radar was, quite literally, a radar. They never realized how fitting the name was for him. See, Radar didn't see the future, what he saw was the present - only it could be miles away. Sometimes it was as early as watching them load the wounded in choppers, other times they were well en route before Radar realized it. He also saw what was on people's minds. He could tell what Colonel Potter wanted, because he would be thinking about it. Literally seeing the words in his head before he said them. Others thought through a flurry of images. They broadcast it. They all did that. Colonel Potter, B.J., the Father, Major Winchester... And Hawkeye.

Hawkeye broadcasted the least. Usually it was faint, muted to the point of being indecipherable or just emotions. Radar was thankful for that, because he was the worst type. He broadcasted entire memories. Normally, all Radar could sense from Hawkeye was overwhelming fear, guilt, and sadness. That was a good day. On bad days, the pain was overwhelming and the images were scarring. He was probably the only one in camp who realized Hawkeye had been hurt repeatedly by his father. And that he had enlisted, not been drafted. It was generally during nightmares, but Radar occasionally caught them during O.R., poker, the mess tent, and other places.

And so, Radar tried to ease the pain as best he could. Hawkeye liked his innocent act, so he did that as much as possible. Hawkeye liked thinking he was corrupting him, so he pretended to want to see the nudist magazines, though he never really looked at them. He made sure to at least smile at Hawkeye's jokes. And, between him and Trapper, slowly, Radar could sense a change, an ever so slight, almost imperceptible lightening of Hawkeye's mood.

And then Trapper left without a word. All the hard fought for progress erased. For days, Hawkeye was obsessed, trying to call Trapper, write him, working out ways he could have done things differently, blaming himself and angry and hurt at Trapper. There were so many painful, violent emotions that Radar, much as he would have liked to, avoided him at all costs, slightly upset with Trapper himself. He had liked Trapper, most people had and he understood the excitement to be home, but he couldn't help his frustration at him completely writing Hawkeye off like he had.

But, wary as he was a getting near Hawkeye, he did talk to B.J. a bit. He turned out to be a good guy and more than willing to work with him to help Hawkeye.

And then Colonel Potter came with his friendly shoulder clasps and 'son's and other fatherly habits and every time Hawkeye his a flinch, Radar had to stop himself from shouting at Colonel Potter to stop, because couldn't he see he was making it worse? But he couldn't do that and even if he could, it wasn't the Colonel's fault. He couldn't know Hawkeye had a bad association with fathers, couldn't know Hawkeye's past, probably hadn't even read the files close enough to realize Hawkeye had enlisted. And he certainly couldn't feel the spike of fear whenever he approached Hawkeye.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

"No... Stop..."

B.J. jerked awake. "Hawkeye?"

No answer. Thinking he must've dreamed it, B.J. rolled over.

"Stop it, stop it!" came Hawkeye's voice, just as B.J. was drifting off again.

"Hawk?" No reply. "Hawk, what is it?"

B.J. sighed and rolled over again. If this was a joke...

"Dad, don't... Stop... Stop!" Hawkeye's voice was panicked, but still low.

B.J. quickly rolled back over, got up, and walked the three or four paces to the side of Hawkeye's cot. He bent over to shake Hawkeye awake when Hawkeye's eyes flew open. Barely awake, but seeing a figure bent over him, Hawkeye scrambled away, falling off the other side of the cot in his haste. Concerned, B.J. walked around the foot of the cot.

"Hey, calm down there, are you alright?" he asked, extending a hand to help him up.

Hawkeye flinched back, "Don't touch me!" he spat.

Surprised, B.J. stepped back half a pace, "Alright, alright," he said soothingly.

Hawkeye seemed to recognize him, finally, and said, "Sorry to wake you, B.J., go back to bed."

B.J. shook his head, "No, I'm awake now." he went to the still and poured two glasses. He walked back to Hawkeye, still on the ground, and extended one to him. Hawkeye hesitated for half a second before taking it and downing it in one go. B.J. copied him and they stayed there a moment before he offered, "If you want to talk about it..."

Hawkeye shook his head, "No, thanks anyway, Beej." 

Glancing at the clock, he saw it was only 2230 hours. Long surgeries really did wreak havoc on the sleep schedule. He pulled on his boots and jacket and headed for the door. "You've still got time to get some rest. You should."

"Hey, where are you going?" asked B. J., surprised, placing the glass next to the still.

Hawkeye paused in the doorway, not turning around. "Out," he said, briefly.

B.J. made to follow him when Charles' voice sounded from the far cot.

"Let him go, he wants to be alone."

\------------------------------

The next day, B.J. woke up and looked over. Hawkeye wasn't there and considering his cot looked the exact same as the night before, he hadn't come back at all. B.J. got up and dressed quickly, heading to the Mess Tent. Not finding Hawkeye there, he went to the showers. Hawkeye wasn't there. There was only one other place B.J. could think of: Rosie's Bar. 

Sure enough, Hawkeye was there head in his arms, sleeping off last night's drinking. Rosie looked relieved when B.J. walked in.

"I didn't feel right just kicking him out. After all, if he ever pays me, he'll be my best customer," she explained.

As he manhandled Hawkeye back to the Swamp, Charles' comment from last night came back to him. "Let him go, he wants to be alone". And something had compelled him to obey Charles. It was the tone of voice. It hadn't been the snobbish voice of Charles Emerson Winchester III, nor yet the annoyed tone of a roommate being woken from a long overdue rest. Nor had it held concern, not really. More akin to empathy, but how could Charles possibly have been able to connect to the panicked ball of terror that Hawkeye had been last night?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

B.J. was sitting on his cot reading when he heard Hawkeye groan.

"Good afternoon to you, too," he replied as if Hawkeye had said something intelligible.

Hawkeye glared at him blearily.

Normally, B.J. would have chuckled and gone back to whatever he was doing. Or been in his cot groaning alongside Hawkeye. Not today. Not with what happened yesterday. He leaned forwards.

"Hawkeye, about last ni-"

He was cut off by an exaggerated sigh. 

"Just leave it, Beej, please?"

And he did. That time. But everyday for the next three nights, he had a nightmare that woke B.J. up. And from what B.J. heard, his father (Who was practically a saint of Hawkeye were to be believed) starred in every single one. Though B.J. couldn't work out how.

The day after the fourth nightmare, B.J. finally had enough. They got precious little sleep as it was, neither of them could afford losing more.

"Hawkeye, you need to tell someone about these dreams, even if it's just Mulcahy," he tried to reason.

"It'll be fine," Hawkeye insisted.

B.J. sighed. "I didn't want to do this, but Hawkeye we can't keep up this way. It's killing both of us. And it's obvious that it isn't getting any better-"

"So just don't get up! No one asks you to!" Hawkeye exclaimed.

"And listen to you suffer? What kind of doctor would that make me?" B. J. shouted, angry and hurt at the insinuation he cared so little about other people. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. When he spoke again, his voice was calm and steely, "No, Hawkeye. It cannot go on and I cannot simply sleep through your nightmares. So here are you're two options: you talk to someone - me, Mulcahy, hell, even Colonel Potter. Or I go to Colonel Potter directly and he will go to Sidney. Don't think he won't."

Hawkeye glared at him. "Charles sleeps through them," he argued stubbornly, ignoring the second statement.

B.J. sighed. "No, actually he doesn't. He just doesn't know you well enough outside of a professional capacity to feel comfortable approaching you. But you're ignoring what I said."

Hawkeye sighed. "Fine, fine. I'll talk to someone," he said saving his hand dismissively, clearly not meaning what he said.

"Who?" B. J. asked.

"What?" asked Hawkeye, nonplussed. 

"Who will you talk to," B. J. pressed.

"Oh, someone," said Hawkeye, intentionally vague.

"I need a name, Hawkeye."

"Why? Planning to get all the juicy details?" snapped Hawkeye.

"I know what you're doing, Hawkeye. It won't work. And no, I'm making sure you actually do talk to someone," B. J. replied grimly.

Hawkeye glared at him and B.J. almost faltered for a moment, but then met his gaze firmly. Hawkeye looked away after a few long moments, jaw clenched.

"I've told you before, I don't want to talk about it!" he shouted.

"I know you don't want to-" B.J. began.

"Then why can't you leave it alone?"

"Because it's hurting both of us-" B.J. repeated his earlier statement.

"What if I left? Got a place of my own?" Hawkeye wheedled.

B.J. shook his head, "This isn't just about me. This is about the fact that you are hurting. And that you have probably been hurting long before I noticed. You're my friend, Hawkeye. I don't want you to hurt. I know you-"

Hawkeye snapped. "What do you know? Huh? You want to know what my nightmares are about so badly? I'll tell you: they're about my father beating me halfway insensible because of some minor infraction. Or about him-" Hawkeye cut off abruptly. Both of them stared at each other, surprised by the intensity and unexpectedness of the outburst. 

Hawkeye recovered first and glared at him, daring him to say anything about the outburst. "There. I told you. Now. Get. Off. My. Back." 

He stood to leave, but B. J.'s voice stopped him.

"Hawkeye?"

Reluctantly, Hawkeye turned to face him.

B.J. took a deep breath. "I won't ask for anything more for now, but I think you should talk to Sidney. If it doesn't get any better or, heaven forbid, it gets worse, I will be going to Potter and Sidney myself."

Hawkeye glared at him impotently before turning on his heel and storming out.


End file.
